Saturday, October 2, 2010

i am neurotic (and so are you)

Last Christmas I received this lovely book below, to make me feel better about certain neurosis that I have. Unfortunately it did the opposite and gave me great ideas! Here's a sneak peak at what's inside:



clean chalk board = sane students

Ever since I started school at 5 years old I have had an obsession with the teacher erasing the chalk board entirely. Most would rub the eraser around but leave stray lines and continue writing. I would stare at the stray lines and it would drive me crazy the remainder of the class. I would get hot and get headaches. I am 22 years old and in college and nothing has changed.

i’m putting on a show.

I always act as if I’m being watched, even when I know I’m not or no one is around. I pretend it’s a comedy and I purposefully trip over stuff and say things I know I shouldn’t. But it usually doesn’t matter, because no one is around.

machine appreciation

Every time I buy something from a vending machine, I say “thank you.” I try not to do it too loud, just in case people will think I’m insane. It’s just an automatic reaction; the machine serves me, it deserves a thank you.

i’ll wait for you, green light.

If I drive up to this light late at night, when I know I can easily make the right on the red, I feel bad for the light making the effort to turn green, so I wait for the light to turn green before I go.

triangles taste better

I can’t eat a sandwich if it is cut any way besides diagonally. When I go to Arby’s (or any other place that typically cuts sandwiches vertically) I specifically ask that they cut the sandwich diagonally. (I also apologize profusely when this happens.)

maybe some chips will magically appear

When I’m hungry for something specific (but i’m not sure WHAT specifically) i go look in the fridge. Finding nothing of interest there i also look in the freezer and cupboard. With my hopes of finding something i want completely crushed, i return to the couch. I repeat the process again in a few minutes, hoping something will appear.

toilet paper roll

Toilet paper must be on the roll with the loose end trailing over the top not the bottom. I have been compelled to fix this error in friends' homes, churches, and public restrooms. I feel a nagging urgency for the rest of the day if I know about a wrong-facing toilet paper roll.

tag you're it

If I see the tag of a shirt sticking out I have to go fix it. This is sometimes awkward, but I can't stand to see it. 

revolving doors

Whenever I am about to go through a revolving door I take as big a breath as I can and hold it, because the person who just came through before me might have farted in there and I would be trapped with it if the door got stuck.

hershey's kiss

When I eat a Hershey's Kiss I have to bite off the point at the top. I don't really know why, but I've been eating them that way forever. 

bridge hold

When I walk over a bridge I have to hold on really tight to my belongings because I fear I might throw them off.

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